Dating communication styles
In most species, females prefer to mate with certain males. Conversely, fear of embarrassment-a fall down the hierarchy -makes soldiers risk their lives. The downside of hierarchies is that high-status individuals can abuse low-status individuals. Women compliment each other and put themselves down to say, "You're in my circle." Instead of having set jobs, at different times individuals have different roles. In most societies, women spend most of their time with other women, and men spend most of their time with other men.Females' preferences created the Great Male Hierarchy. An insult-a shove down the hierarchy-"drives a man to distraction" or makes him ignore more important goals. A male hierarchy with thirty million members-e.g., Nazi Germany-has far more potential for abuse than a thirty-member women's circle. When a woman has a problem, the other women in her circle help her. A woman with resources or skills needed today helps her sisters. North American society is unusual in that we have few rules enforcing this, but men and women still generally follow this pattern. Some groups of women read fashion magazines, others look to Oprah Winfrey as their role model, while other women are devoted to their horses.She'll receive plenty of attention from the men (e.g., they'll buy her beer).(However, this may not be the case at a small-town gambling establishment.) But a (straight) man who shows up at an aerobics class wearing a leotard will be ignored by the women in the class.They won't buy him a sports drink at the juice bar afterwards.Of course identifying the problem is always the first step towards change, so which styles of communication do you use? Instead of communicating your own needs and opinions, you hide them in an effort to avoid confrontation.Unfortunately, the result is resentment and anger, and worst of all, you're never truly able to let someone see the real you. This style is highly manipulative, because while you act passive, what's driving you inside is a strong aggression and need for control.Not only does it alert us to the needs and feelings of others, but self-expression is an absolutely essential factor in our own individual happiness.When communication isn't running smoothly, our relationships suffer, resentment builds, misunderstandings ensue, and we can feel bottled up, unheard, and frustrated.
It's pretty easy to identify the most readily recognizable sources of stress in our lives--too many commitments, workplace hassles, financial strain, society's (and our own) oftentimes unrealistic expectations of who we "should" be and how much we "should" be able to accomplish.Everyone loses with this form (or lack thereof) of communication. Initially you hide your needs and feelings to avoid confrontation, but you then switch to using indirect, dishonest, and subtle ways to illicit guilt, anger and embarrassment as a means to control.When communication constantly has a subtext and is underhanded, it will never resolve anything. This style usually comes from a lack of respect and empathy and involves trying to force your opinions on others.Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs?Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships.